


If you're reading this, I'm dead and sorry

by Uglywordsinaknifeblock



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, I turned this in for english, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, My teacher has no idea its gay, Poverty, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Romance, Suicide, Suicide Notes, War, Wartime, World War II, gay angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-28 00:05:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10058084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Uglywordsinaknifeblock/pseuds/Uglywordsinaknifeblock
Summary: I doubt you will find out until you get come home. I’m glad I’m the one who gets to tell you. Of course, all of this is assuming you come home at all. I pray to god everyday that you are alive and safe. The reason I’m doing this is so you don’t have to watch me wasting away, or worse, find my corpse on the bed we used to share, cold and so unlike the person I was in life. The person you loved.





	

I’m so sorry. I never wanted us to end like this.

I’ve been sick for so long, I never thought about a future. My days have always been numbered. I looked forward to each new day with you, each new memory. I never took a single second for granted, for it might have been my last.

When you went off to fight in the war, you put on a brave face for my sake. I’ll never know if I was grateful or angry about it. You sauntered around, grinning about how you got to serve your country in the most glorious way possible. You acted proud, all to hide the fact that you wanted to cry as much as I did.

Our freezing little apartment in the ugliest part of this city lacks all warmth with you gone.

I wanted to go too. To fight. But we both knew I was too sick. I could scarcely leave the apartment in winter without ending up at death's door. So you went alone.

I’ve had time to think during these past weeks. I thought about you. I thought about all the times we’ve spent together, all the stupid things we’ve done and the mistakes we made together. All the times we laughed so hard we could barely stand. I thought about all the things I’ve been through in life, both with and without you. Mostly, I thought about the one thing neither of us dared to voice as you said your farewells; I may not survive this winter.

It’s a miracle I’ve lived this long. My surviving to a few weeks was a wonder. By age 10 I was considered a miracle child. Now in my twenties, it is obvious that I’ve been living on borrowed time, and it’s almost run out. 

After the third day of violent coughing to the point of throwing up, of raw-throat, blood-in-your-mouth, body-wracking coughs, I knew. We were always aware that I would die young, but I always thought you’d be here to hold me.

I’m in so much pain now, so I’ve decided to stop delaying the inevitable. As soon as this letter is written, I’m going to down the bottle of pills that keep my weak heart beating.

I talked to Ms. Avery next door earlier, asked her to come over this evening. I didn’t tell her why. I left a note for her too, telling her I was sorry. I feel bad, but I don’t want my body to sit here and rot.

I doubt you will find out until you get come home. I’m glad I’m the one who gets to tell you. Of course, all of this is assuming you come home at all. I pray to god everyday that you are alive and safe. The reason I’m doing this is so you don’t have to watch me wasting away, or worse, find my corpse on the bed we used to share, cold and so unlike the person I was in life. The person you loved.

Please know that I never wanted this. I have loved every second spent with you, every evening on the fire escape watching the sunset, every stupid joke, every lovers quarrel and loving word after a nightmare. I have loved you with every piece of me, completely and wholly. You are everything I always wanted, everything I never thought I could have. You are my protector, my saviour, my greatest admirer, and the most beautiful person I could ever imagine. My greatest regret in this short life of mine is that I never got to grow old with you, see the laugh lines grow pronounced on your face, watch your hair turn gray and your body age. 

As I write these final words, I am already regretting all the moments I will never get with you. I wish with all my heart I could see that beautiful smile of yours one last time.

But I can’t. I have already made up my mind not to let you see how much I suffer now, in this body that has never really been mine, never worked in my favour, always against it. I have never had many possessions, but what little I have is yours. We have been attached at the hip for so long now that it practically already is.

I hope to see you in heaven, my dear, my other half, my one great love, but not for some time. I hope you find happiness, and that my loss does not haunt you too much, or for too long. You deserve to live a happy life. You always made sure I got one.

 

Yours until death, and ever after, Stevie

**Author's Note:**

> My first work on Ao3! Comments would be lovely.


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